Finding happiness amidst the gains and losses as we age

Happiness is a process not a destination

Can we still be happy in our late 70’s, 80’s and even 90s when life seems increasingly driven by ills, spills, bills and wills, plus what’s for dinner and then what’s on TV?

Before addressing this question, let’s spend a moment exploring what exactly is happiness.  Also, what causes us to feel happy and does happiness vary with age?

Body-wise feelings of happiness are caused by neurotransmitters in our brains releasing a cluster of mood related hormones. These include dopamine, serotonin and endorphins, triggered in anticipation of or response to rewarding pleasurable experiences. The resulting happy feelings are usually transitory lasting from a few minutes to a few days. Such day to day 'hedonic' happiness feelings are one aspect of a broader sense of wellbeing, which also encompasses other quality of life factors such as our physical, mental and financial health.

Broader wellbeing also includes 'eudaimonic' happiness which focuses on long-term fulfillment, values, and self-realisation i.e. retrospectively assessed life satisfaction rather than short-term joy, comfort, and pain avoidance. This can come from the meaning and purpose of doing things that feel important and help others. It also comes from personal growth and the sense of achievement gained from working hard to learn, improve, and reach your true potential.

Research reported in Psychology Today suggests in Western Cultures most of us experience a fair bit of happiness growing up until around 18. Then it tends to decrease in our 40’s/50’s before going up and peaking in our early 70’s then dropping again in our final years of life.

Arthur Brooks in his book From Strength to Strength suggests we should stop trying to ‘be happy’, as happiness is not a destination but rather an outcome of series of processes/activities. In his view feelings of happiness primarily arise out of:

• Enjoyment – doing something with people to create special memories

• Satisfaction – the buzz we get after struggling with a problem or issue and finally achieving success

• Purpose – doing things that really matter to us, and align with our values and beliefs

These three ‘happiness generators’ are available during all our life stages, but the focus and scale tends to narrow as we age. Our work roles for example, can generate huge opportunities for enjoyment (doing memorable things with a huge range of people), struggling with hard issues to finally achieve success, and making a difference in things that matter to us.

However, as we track through our retirement years our networks tend to shrink and our focus mostly shifts onto more immediate family, friends and managing our own everyday challenges.

So how do these ‘happiness processes’ line up with the old adage ‘growing old is not for the faint hearted’?

Growing old is not for the faint hearted

Clearly as we transition through our later life stages, we’ll encounter both expected and unexpected ups and downs, both gains and losses. For example, events like the death of a partner, forced relocation into aged care or a cancer diagnosis, certainly require courage and tenacity to manage. Other common challenges relate to our physical and emotional health, our ability to look after ourselves and be financially secure, as well as dealing with possible family and social disruptions.

 In addition, some of us struggle with accepting the aging process and when asked how we’re going, often stoically underplay our personal problems. This is especially typical of the ‘Silent Generation’ who experienced the disruption and rationing of Second World War and the early Baby Boomers, of which I am one.

Frailty in all its dimensions can be frightening but also confronting for busy family members who fail to recognise what’s happening until we have a fall or get carted off to hospital in an ambulance with a suspected heart attack.

So how can we build more happiness into our later lives?

Finding everyday moments of happiness in retirement

Research suggests having a positive mindset, or ‘internal locus of control’ is a key factor in being able to adapt to the inevitable trials and tribulations of aging. An ‘internal locus of control’ is when we believe we can either work around obstacles or secure the necessary information and support to do so. This ‘can do, ‘can learn’ mindset can often release us from feeling a victim of outside influences and turn negative situations into satisfying problem-solving opportunities. The satisfaction of overcoming challenges and expressing genuine gratitude for the things you have are powerful ways to boost serotonin (not to mention sunlight, healthy food and the hug of a loved one!)

Sometimes when my problem-solving efforts fail, (especially with computer glitches), enlisting the support of a grandson and enjoying the untangling process, while at the same time catching up with what he’s up to at university, is not only informative but also rewarding: (As long as I can slow him down enough for me to understand what he’s exactly doing!) For the cost of a pizza or two it’s usually a pretty good win/win deal, especially as by doing so I’ve ticked off at least two of Arthur Brooks’ happiness processes, enjoyment and satisfaction.

Of course, as we climb up the aging ladder, our ability to take on complex problem-solving tasks diminishes as our cognitive capacity, or ‘fluid intelligence’ naturally declines. (Fluid intelligence is our ability to absorb and quickly make sense of large amounts of information and then come up with new solutions and opportunities). As a result of this later-life decline, we may need to lower our sights and tackle more realistic bite-sized activities.

In retirement such activities generally fall into three categories:

• Maintenance activities - showering, shaving, putting on makeup, house cleaning, grocery shopping, routine

• cooking, ironing and mowing lawns etc.

• Leisure activities - reading, watching TV, sightseeing, going out for coffee, playing bowls or tennis, going for walks, travelling, pursuing hobbies etc

• Purposeful activities - helping/supporting others to do or achieve a needed outcome, or fixing, adapting or creating something

Research suggests leisure activities are important but it’s the last category that provides more enduring opportunities for enjoyment, satisfaction and meaning. This is where we can make use of our ‘crystalised intelligence’ which is our ability to apply our existing skills, knowledge and experience (wisdom) to solve day-to-day problems. Fortunately, crystallised intelligence declines much later as we age (unlike fluid intelligence) and can therefore be used to adapt to many age-related obstacles.

One such learned skill is our ability to distinguish between wants and needs. Sometimes as we age, we may not be able to do what we want to. Yet, by challenging our wants by asking exactly, “why do I want what I want?”, we may uncover more important underlying needs. For example, we may really want to visit grandchildren living inter-state or overseas, but we just can’t afford to do so. If your underlying need is to maintain close relationships, this need may be better (and more cheaply) met using planned, regular well set up Face Time or Zoom chats. The secret I find, especially with little grandchildren, seems to be having something to do with them, like reading a chapter of a favourite book so they look forward to hearing what happens during our next call.

Other crystallised abilities may also be useful for helping others through community volunteering, mentoring and supporting opportunities.

Again, research indicate that focussing on issues and opportunities beyond our personal needs and which align with what we believe in, can deepen our sense of meaning. Perhaps ringing a good friend you’ve heard is struggling, having lost their drivers licence due to eyesight problems, and having a catch-up coffee, not only boosts their spirits but indirectly ours as well. Openly acknowledging and discussing age driven losses like eyesight, mobility and hearing can often shift feelings of regret into more positive acceptance.

The power of little things

This reminds me of Robert Brault’s affirmation “Enjoy the little things in life because one day you may look back and realise they were the big things”.

No matter how limited we are in being able to move around, or see or hear, we can still create micro-moments or routines to give us ‘dopamine’ boosts. I know of one person in their mid-eighties who lives in a unit with a small balcony. A few years ago, after a stormy night she heard a strange crying noise and found a young magpie hiding behind some balcony pot plants. She gave it some water and having quickly looked up what they eat, offered some cutup hard-boiled egg. From then on it has been visiting her most mornings calling out from her balcony while perching on the railing. She often sits on a chair close by, and they have a good ‘chat’, usually over a small dish of “maggie morsels”. If she doesn’t appear, it flies round and taps on her kitchen window.

 She often mentions how this routine gives her enormous pleasure and is very grateful magpies can live well into their 20’s!!

The above example also illustrates the overall importance of having:

• Someone or something to love

• Something interesting to do, and

• Something to look forward to

Another key buffer for overcoming aging ups and downs might be engaging in some insightful self-awareness and practising timely self-care, as the following story illustrates.

Grandfather of the year!

A woman in a supermarket was following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson.

He had his hands full with the child demanding sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of other strategically positioned temptations.

The grandfather was saying in a controlled voice. “Easy, William, we won’t be long’.

Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there”.

At the checkout the little horror was throwing items out of the trolley. Grandfather says again in a controlled voice, “William, relax mate don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William”.

Very impressed, the woman went outside where the grandfather was loading the groceries into his car. “It’s none of my business”, she said, “but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. The whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather”.

“Thanks”, said the grandfather, “but I’m William, this boy’s name is Kevin”.

Appreciating the funny side of life, especially stories, newspaper cartoons or watching a TV comedy show, even being able to laugh at ourselves, can often help lift our spirits and put our daily struggles into perspective. For example, for us older men, adopting the view that:” What others see as baldness, I see as a wide parting”!

Finally, a few thought starters to boost your portfolio of happy moments.

Finding people and things to care for and love 

Often this will involve a partner, family member or close friend. However, for those living alone, it could also be a dog, cat, bird or even a treasured balcony garden with potted flowering plants. These can be ‘in-house’ or possibly belong to someone else, and you share in their care. Nurturing these connections is a potent source of serotonin. For those not so interested in living ‘things’ it could be tinkering with an old car, or boat, even continuing to play a much-loved musical instrument, or working on a hobby/passion, all of which make you feel happy.

Question: Who or what are the people and things you care for and love?

Having interesting things to do

‘Maintenance activities’, like cleaning, washing, shopping and cooking can be satisfying, especially when you can tick them off a ‘to-do list’. However greater happiness can often come from things you really enjoy doing with others, or purposeful activities like contributing to a community cause, or creating/building something. These activities don’t need to be huge projects or major events. For example, baking a cake and inviting a friend over for morning coffee/tea, or helping an elderly neighbour manage their garden. Even going for local walks and talks with someone you know, can stretch both your bodies as well as your minds

Question: What interesting things do you enjoy doing, especially with others and which give you a deep sense of satisfaction and purpose?

Having things to look forward to

This is the last of our trio of ‘happy processes’ and can be anything from an overseas trip to visit family, having a beachside long weekend, to getting out of the house and going to watch a movie. Micro goals that break large projects into tiny, highly achievable steps or novelty such as trying a completely new route to work or a new hobby can be really effective. Even a good book or sitting down and listening to a favourite piece of music, can provide a happy respite from dreary routine tasks like ironing or cleaning. Importantly, the way dopamine works means we often derive the greatest pleasure from anticipating it rather than from actually receiving it.

Setting up a series of mini treats on a daily, weekly and monthly, basis can create a veritable portfolio of happiness to look forward to, and which balance out ongoing health struggles, lonely times or family stressors.

Question: What things and activities do you have to look forward to, this week, next month, and next year?

My personal happiness action plan

As the old saying suggests ‘After all said and done, there is often more said than done’. So put your glasses down, and with your answers above in mind, imagine what two or three new things you could start doing now, to boost your frequency of happy moments - irrespective of your age and current circumstances.

Now try and capture these new ‘happy moment’ ideas by jotting them down or sending them to an email to yourself.

Remember ‘Even little dreams may not come true, but little dreams never dreamt will never come to pass’.

References

• Psychology Today Australia; The Happiness Curve

• Brooks, Arthur C. (2023) From Strength to Strength. Finding success, happiness and deep purpose in the second half of life. Green Tree. London UK.

Author

In this ongoing series of blogs, we will further unpack our practical ideas and tips to help all Australians achieve a dignified retirement.

Humphrey Armstrong is a retired psychologist and consultant to MYMAVINS with decades of experience helping Australians navigate their transition to retirement and journey successfully through their third act.

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