From conflict to collaboration - tips for working with client couples

Managing money as a couple is rarely just about dollars and cents. It encompasses differing personalities, risk appetites, and communication styles, which can easily create tensions. Advisers who play an effective facilitation role can better retain client family networks, streamline the advice process, and ensure they meet BOTH partners' financial needs.

In fact, our annual Value of Advice research for the Financial Advice Association Australia (FAAA) and a global study we conducted for the Financial Planning Standards Board (FPSB) demonstrates there is much more to advice than an abstract promise of a future bottom line. Clients more often articulate the value in how an advice relationship makes them feel now.

Family matters are also becoming increasingly complex with the rise of blended families. In a study MYMAVINS conducted for Australian Seniors, “Love over Fifty,” these families reported financial issues (e.g., disagreements over financial responsibilities and resources), retirement and inheritance planning, and navigating issues with ex-spouses as among their greatest challenges.

Another study we conducted for Australian Seniors, “Inheritance and retirement”, revealed significant concerns for blended families around inheritance distribution, including potential beneficiary conflicts, fairness dilemmas, and legal challenges. Most individuals in blended families plan to allocate 40% or more of their inheritance to new partners and/or their children, with many intending to leave substantial amounts to their new partner's children. Less than half felt their former partners or children from previous relationships supported these plans, indicating potential for partner disagreements.

For advisers, it’s not only essential to understand the technical aspects of financial planning but also to skilfully manage the human dynamics at play. Failing to acknowledge and address these differences can alienate one partner, damaging trust, and even leading to client attrition. By contrast, an environment where both partners feel listened to, understood, respected, and can negotiate differences builds a long-lasting advisory relationship.

This has been a long-standing challenge for advisers, and here we offer some useful concepts like ‘elegant currencies’ and practical tip checklists to navigate it.

Harmonising risk tolerance – meet you in the middle?

Advisers working with couples often discover that while a dominant (often more risk-tolerant) partner may lead the conversation, the more risk-averse partner then acts as a decision gatekeeper. This can lead to reluctance to commit to strategies and even potential conflict.

Several studies MYMAVINS has completed for Fidelity International, covering broad ranges of life stage and wealth, show gender differences in financial confidence, risk appetite, and attitudes to advice relationships. Almost half of women, compared to a third of men, expressed concern about finding a trustworthy financial advisor. A quarter of women worried about finding an advisor who could communicate at their level. While 7 out of 10 men felt confident evaluating investment opportunities, less than half of women shared this sentiment. This suggests a potential gap in women's confidence regarding their financial capabilities and the steps they take to manage their finances. Clear differences in risk tolerance and risk assessment methods are also consistently observed.

Risk appetite commonly causes investment tension between partners; research from Capital Preferences indicates meaningful differences in 60% of couples. If advisers fail to recognise, understand, and resolve these differences they miss a crucial opportunity to actively earn the trust of both partners. 

Furthermore, such an oversight can expose advisers to compliance scrutiny. For instance, investigators from AFCA, currently reviewing Dixon Advisory client claims regarding advisers not acting in their best interests, are matching individual risk preferences with specific investment recommendations and allocations. Advisers must ensure they truly meet best interest duties with respect to risk profiling or both partners.

Conducting risk profiling independently can help advisers avoid dominant partner bias and potential adviser bias when they deliver it in person. Digital diagnostic tools (e.g. as offered by Capital Preferences) can support evidence-based visualisation of risk preference gaps. This experience can facilitate structured conversation supported by visual insights, curated discussion questions, and action items to help navigate the divide.

It is also important to modify and adapt to risk profiles according to goals, needs, and wealth. When clients resist or fail to act on advice, it indicates a need for deeper conversation. Advisers can use behavioural coaching to help clients work through deeper personal roadblocks and take ownership of their financial plans. A risk-averse partner may need extra reassurance, financial education and awareness of their own biases to align their position with established goals, such as embracing a balanced growth strategy over a highly conservative one for retirement. Conversely, appetite for risk and a more hands-on approach might be accommodated for wealthier clients by partitioning a portion of their portfolio (that they can afford) for self-directed management by a partner. 

Resolving differences with elegant currencies

When client couples strongly disagree around issues such as risk levels of investments, how much support to give adult children, whether to sell the family home and downsize into a townhouse/apartment, or even spend money on an expensive holiday, it may be necessary (as their adviser) to try and resolve differences by using some simple facilitation and/or creative problem-solving processes.

Parties can only resolve differences/conflicts by negotiation if they identify and establish some level of common ground. In seeking a win/win resolution, a mutually acceptable balance between give and take is important to work towards. This is where elegant currencies come into play. Elegant currencies are anything of value or benefit for either party and can be tangible, for example, money or things, or intangible like respect, recognition, empathy, or ‘saving face’. Combinations of elegant currencies are often the ‘difference that makes the difference’ in many negotiated conflict resolutions.

A good starting point is to use active listening to encourage each partner to better understand each other’s points of view, rather than trying to impose their wishes on the other. Ultimately, the key is to work with the couple to identify, build, and then leverage underlying possible common ground. The following diagram illustrates this process.

Finding couples elegant currencies

On the surface, the differences, e.g. individual wants/positions (represented by the tips of the two ‘icebergs’) may appear a fair distance apart with little evidence of common ground. If so, you may need to help each partner go underneath the surface to explore exactly why they want what they say they want. Asking ‘why’ taps into deeper needs and often uncovers ‘submerged’ common ground. While it can be difficult to provide what someone initially wants, you may be able to satisfy their true underlying needs.

For instance, in a situation where a couple disagrees about how much financial support they need to give to adult children, one partner may strongly believe that due to the long-term impacts of rising cost of living, their 30-year-old son and his partner (whom they both like) need to be allowed to keep staying indefinitely with them in a relatively small family home. However, the other partner may have the firmly held view that the young couple needs to be actively encouraged to be more independent and find a place to rent and financially support themselves. A possible elegant currency could be that the couple offer to act as guarantor on an apartment lease agreement (because their son and partner have no prior rental history). In addition, they would also be willing to provide furniture, sheets and towels etc., some of which are in storage under the house. 

Practical tips to navigate couple differences

1. Upfront contracting - Upfront contracting is important to set expectations. Clearly state your approach when working with couples: to involve and listen to both members, and to consider differences in risk management, priorities, and decision-making styles (fact-based or feelings-driven). Your aim is to work towards mutual understanding and commitment to future courses of action.

2. Identify personality differences - Quickly identify who is the more dominant/extrovert partner (likes to talk to think) and the introvert (who likes to think/feel before they talk). Actively draw out the more introverted member, and if necessary, stop the more dominant partner from interrupting. To do this, step in and explain that you'd like to hear the other partner's perspective first, before allowing the dominant partner to add their views.

3. Identify learning style differences - In presenting information and options, be aware one partner may have a more numeric preference and like graphs and spreadsheets, whereas the other may prefer examples and case studies/stories to achieve full understanding and make decisions. Visualisations can be particularly useful as a common ground to explain complex financial concepts and plans more clearly. This can enhance client comprehension, build confidence, and provide a common reference point for discussions.

4. Identify financial literacy and confidence differences - Accommodate potentially different levels of financial literacy with concepts discussed and language used.

5. Identify risk tolerance differences - One partner (often female) may prioritise security more than the other, requiring additional reassurance about potential risks. For instance, a Capital Preferences study revealed that 3 in 5 couples have significantly divergent risk profiles, and risk profiling is often conducted inequitably for the majority. This represents both challenges for delivering suitable advice strategies in clients’ best interests and in retaining the business.

6. Identify life stage demands, pressures, and gender-role concerns -  Families with teenage children and high mortgage costs have very different financial priorities from couples living on pensions supplemented by limited super income and wanting to live a dignified retirement.

7. Surface points of contention - Advisers should create a safe space where both partners feel heard and understood. While it’s important to actively seek common ground, it’s also important to not shy away from identifying issues where partners may not see eye to eye and facilitate these discussions. Sometimes it can be useful to ask both partners to summarise in their own words exactly what they understand their partner to be wanting.

8. Practise empathy - Ensure both partners feel heard, respected, and receive equal attention. Show genuine curiosity and empathy to understand their perspectives and priorities. Uncover underlying needs by discussing values and motivations to align financial recommendations, fostering trust and engagement. Ask open-ended questions and use the '5 Whys' method to delve into root causes. How they feel they are treated is critical e.g. a Capital Preferences survey indicated 1 in 4 female partners report not being fully listened to and less than 1 in 5 of these, indicate they would continue with their current adviser if they separated from their partners. There is also a 50-80% 1-year attrition rate for widows. On the flip side, fewer than 2 in 5 male partners feeling inequitably treated of which would be retained if their female partner exits.

9. Encourage collaborative planning - Focus on building a collaborative relationship rather than simply delivering advice. At the end of the meeting, ask each partner if they feel their viewpoints have been fully understood. This helps assess your success in building trusting relationships and achieving a mutually acceptable outcome. To quote a head of one wealth management organisation: “In almost every couple there is a financial and non-financial spouse and too often the non-financial spouse becomes wallpaper in meetings”

10. Practice makes perfect  - Practicing these techniques with role-plays, followed by self-critique and peer/expert feedback.

So, what does a typical couple facilitation process look like in practice?

• First, ask who would like to put their point of view first – encourage them to explain what they want without interruption, and then you, as the facilitator, paraphrase back until they feel understood.

• Then ask the other partner to outline their point of view – encourage them to share their perspective and feelings, and then again try to summarise impartially.

• Next, check understanding – by asking each partner to summarise the other’s position to confirm that they have heard each other’s views and concerns.

• Next, explore needs – again with your facilitator hat on, look for common ground and, if needed, ask why each partner wants what they do, to uncover underlying needs.

• Where possible, identify any ‘elegant currencies’ – with trade-offs where something of high value to one partner may be easily provided to the other (e.g. Doing something or showing respect, actively listening, allowing more time).

• Finally, work towards resolution – by guiding both partners toward a packaged solution that may involve the exchange of a number of tangible and intangible currencies and feels fair and acceptable to both.

Conclusion

Helping couples navigate their financial journey requires more than professional expertise. It requires empathy, active listening, and a structured approach to managing differences which isn’t about eliminating conflict altogether. It’s about learning how to listen, understand, and compromise. 

By paying attention to differing needs, advisers can foster constructive dialogue and uncover shared ground. When both partners feel heard and valued, financial decisions become shared choices helping the couple move towards mutual understanding rather than points of tension. Even persistent disagreements can often be eased by finding “elegant currencies” that matter deeply to one partner but come at lesser cost to the other.

In doing so, advisers also strengthen trust, loyalty, and long-term relationships.

Advisers’ value to clients are becoming increasingly predicated on softer ‘relationship’ factors. Meanwhile, compliance requirements increasingly demand demonstrated fidelity of advice alignment with holistic household needs. 

So how strong is your couple's advice game?

References

• The Value of Advice, FAAA 2023, 2024, 2025 (Conducted by MYMAVINS)

• The Value of Financial Planning, Global Research FPSB 2023 (Conducted by MYMAVINS)

• Love over Fifty,  Australian Seniors, 2023 (Conducted by MYMAVINS)

• Inheritance and retirement, Australian Seniors, 2024 (Conducted by MYMAVINS)

• Next generation: Rewriting the rules of engagement, Fidelity International 2025 (Conducted by MYMAVINS)

• Rainbows end, Fidelity International 2023 (Conducted by MYMAVINS) 

• New life Old life, Fidelity International 2023 (Conducted by MYMAVINS) 

• Pathway to women’s financial independence, Fidelity International 2022 (Conducted by MYMAVINS)

• Negotiation Skills: Negotiation Strategies and Negotiation Techniques to Help You Become a Better Negotiator, Program on Negotiation at Harvard Law School, 2025

• Not-So-Odd Couples: Crafting an Equitable Advice Experience for Modern Couples, Capital Preferences, 2023

• Couples in Financial Advice study, Capital Preferences, 2021

• Seeing the Unseen: the Role Gender Plays in Wealth Management, Merrill Lynch, 2022

• Overcoming the Unique Communication Challenges of Advising Couples, Kitces.com, 2021

• Women and Investing Study, Fidelity, 2021

• Client Relationships and Family Dynamics: Competencies and Services Necessary for Truly Integrated Wealth Management 2010

• Wealth Management: Psychologist James Grubman and Professor of Organizational Systems Dennis Jaffe outline a competency framework, Journal of Wealth Management, 2010

• Practical Negotiating: Tools, Tactics & Techniques, Tom Gosselin, 2007

Authors

Humphrey Armstrong is a registered psychologist and consultant to MYMAVINS with decades of experience helping Australians navigate their transition to retirement and journey successfully through their third act.

Tai Rotem is a consulting partner at MYMAVINS with several decades experience in financial consumer, public health, social and behavioural change research.

Reach out to him at Tai@mymavins.com.au